Archive for January, 2015

Feeding The Cancer Of My Intellect

January 25th, 2015

These are the songs, the emotions, the quotes I have been thinking about a lot lately. I call this section my “Songs on Repeat.” You know, the songs that you keep hitting back on to listen to one more time.

U2SongsOfInnocenceEvery Breaking Wave
Songs of Innocence
U2

I can swim in the sea, but that does not mean I need to chase every breaking wave.

I have been thinking a lot lately around topics of insecurity, love, loss, confidence, and success. Heavy topics. This song seems to touch each of those. Am I ready to let go of my fear of both failure and success? Am I ready to stop chasing after the wind, because in the end it is all meaningless pursuits. Can I release myself of all my thoughts that inhibit growth or change, and be open to be swept off my feet?

I think I am often fearful of success, and that defeat is more manageable. This needs to change. I deserve this. I know my shit. Own it. Be bold.

If you go
If you go your way and I go mine
Are we so
Are we so helpless against the tide
Baby, every dog on the street
Knows that we’re in love with defeat
Are we ready to be swept off our feet
And stop chasing every breaking wave

…And we know that we fear to win
And so we end before we begin

Every Breaking Wave by U2 on Grooveshark

1200CurfewsLove’s Recovery
1200 Curfews
The Indigo Girls

My head often gets in the way, as I feed the cancer of my intellect with thoughts of insecurity, and the questioning if love is worth desiring. Does love endure? The older I have gotten and the more I have dated, I have come across more people that are divorced. I don’t blame them. This isn’t about that. Every person, every situation is unique and sometimes a separation of a marriage might be the best possible thing. But it makes me wonder if ever-after exists? If I will find someone that will love me, and fight for me when things are bleak or dire. I want to believe that sort of persistence still exists.

Feeding the cancer of my intellect the blood of love soon neglected
Lay dying in the strength of its impurity
Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
They’ve all gone and left each other in search of fairer weather
And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
To the slim chance of love’s recovery.

…Rain soaked and voice choked like silent screaming in a dream
I search for our absolute distinction
Not content to bow and bent
To the whims of culture that swoop like vultures
Eating us away, eating us away
Eating us away to our extinction

Love's Recovery by Indigo Girls on Grooveshark

Somewhere Under WonderlandPossibility Days
Somewhere Under Wonderland
Counting Crows

If you know me, you know that the crows get me. I am haunted by feelings of slipping away and the crows explore that in this track. Every day is a possibility of change, growth, attitude. But ultimately will it be a good day or a bad day? Can I live intentionally?

Annie Dillard, one of my all-time favorite authors says “How we spend our days, is how we spend our lives.” As we carry the burdens of all of our days, can I focus instead on just one of those days at a time? Can I focus on the moment, the 24 hours that are given to me, the interactions that are fated, the emotions to feel – sad and happy – and can I mentally seize them. Good days will slip by. Bad days will slip by. And it is ok. What painting did your day create in your timehop of life?

And the worst part of a good day
Is knowing it’s slipping away
That’s one more possibility day
That is gone

Possibility Days by Counting Crows on Grooveshark

Commissioning A Symphony In C

January 1st, 2015

I place stock in songs I hear randomly. There was that time where I heard the Screaming Trees sing Nearly lost you that came on during the car ride to a break up. Then there was the time that a song triggred an emotion, which triggered yet another song. We all have songs that take us back to a person, or a moment. There is Crazy 4 u by Madonna. There is the Dog Days of Summer by Florence and the Machine. I remember vividly 5th grade and doing homework in the laundry room and talent show tryouts anytime I hear Paul Revere by The Beastie Boys. I think of my junior/senior year in high school when I was trying to determine what college to go to, and therefore the rest of my life, while Disarm by The Smashing Pumpkins played. The Sarah’s, Adam’s and Michael’s of the music world are the Sextons, Yeats, and Shakespeares of our time and I apply their words, knowledge, and emotions to my life.

The first song I hear in a new year when I press shuffle, is a sign of how life will transpire in the next 365 days. There is a lot of pressure to this fate. But is it fate or ordained?

Today is January 1, 2015 and I went for a run, as people are want to do today. Or at least the day after. The passing of a year brings with it reflections, regrets, hopes, depressions, and a flurry of nameless emotions. New Year’s eve always brings me a strange level of reflection (and typically some Counting Crows). You may be many miles away (or sometimes even in my own city) but I miss you. What would you change in 2015 from your 2014?

there’s things i remember and things i forget
i miss you
i guess that i should
three thousand five hundred miles away
but what would you change if you could

Today is January 1, 2015 and I went on a run today. When I run there is clarity of mind, levity of thought, and words that are dying to exit my mind’s trap. I don’t write much on this blog anymore, as the guards have made the trap more difficult to escape. I wish there was a clearer path, route, existence. Anyway circling back yet again, I put too much faith and fate in the lyrics I hear, and their timing. Today when I pressed shuffle and began shuffling my feet down the sidewalk in this cozy RB town, the song Commissioning a symphony in C by Cake came on. And now I am left to decipher its meaning for my life.

So you’ll be an Austrian Nobleman
Commissioning a symphony in C
Which defies all earthly descriptions
You’ll be Commissioning a symphony in C

With money you squeeze from the peasants
To your nephew you can give it as a present
This magnificent symphony in C
You’ll be commissioning a symphony in C

Completely filling the palace concert hall
It’s warm and golden like an oven that’s wide open
It has a melody both happy and sad
Built on Victoria’s young triads

You’ve entered the room with great caution
Though no one in the hall is even watching
They are transfixed
They are forgetting just to breath
They are so taken by your symphony…
In C

You’re sitting there thinking your thoughts
They are not about what is but what is not
You are sitting there breathing in your breath
You are seldom breathing life but mostly death

So you’ll be an Austrian Nobleman
Commissioning a symphony in C
Which defies all earthly descriptions
You’ll be commissioning…
A symphony…
In C

I am not going to be an Autrian Nobleman – but maybe I will be doing something important, or something that leaves meaning behind, like a symphony.

Maybe i’ll be a great uncle to my nephew, but maybe I will be using my nephew to hide from my misdoings.

2015 will be a year of both happy and sad melodies. There will probably be tears, laughter, hearts broken, and hearts healed.

I enter into 2015 with great caution indeed. Every year could potentially be my last. There is always potential of the final time.

But it is the last stanza (is that still a thing) that I think i’ll take the meaning from

You’re sitting there thinking your thoughts
They are not about what is but what is not
You are sitting there breathing in your breath
You are seldom breathing life but mostly death

Whether it be new years eve, fresh starts, new jobs, old friends I am often focused on what came before, or what is not. It is my brain’s natural tendency. I have gotten well accustomed to it. As big as a downfall as that might be on my emotional state, it is also a part that stimulates other good parts of my brain. I am well aware of who I am, and this is part of it. Don’t read this and then preach at me. I digress. Sometimes I let this get too much of me, and I then am breathing death.

So for 2015, my resolution is to be more intentional in stimulating thoughts about what is, versus what is not.

The next song that came on was Here I Am by Skid Row

It’s main line is

Here I am
Close your eyes and I’ll be Superman

So it looks like 2015 I become a super hero. So I got that going for me. Which is nice.

This Week I'm Thinking About: Savannah Peterson