Feeding The Cancer Of My Intellect

January 25th, 2015

These are the songs, the emotions, the quotes I have been thinking about a lot lately. I call this section my “Songs on Repeat.” You know, the songs that you keep hitting back on to listen to one more time.

U2SongsOfInnocenceEvery Breaking Wave
Songs of Innocence
U2

I can swim in the sea, but that does not mean I need to chase every breaking wave.

I have been thinking a lot lately around topics of insecurity, love, loss, confidence, and success. Heavy topics. This song seems to touch each of those. Am I ready to let go of my fear of both failure and success? Am I ready to stop chasing after the wind, because in the end it is all meaningless pursuits. Can I release myself of all my thoughts that inhibit growth or change, and be open to be swept off my feet?

I think I am often fearful of success, and that defeat is more manageable. This needs to change. I deserve this. I know my shit. Own it. Be bold.

If you go
If you go your way and I go mine
Are we so
Are we so helpless against the tide
Baby, every dog on the street
Knows that we’re in love with defeat
Are we ready to be swept off our feet
And stop chasing every breaking wave

…And we know that we fear to win
And so we end before we begin

Every Breaking Wave by U2 on Grooveshark

1200CurfewsLove’s Recovery
1200 Curfews
The Indigo Girls

My head often gets in the way, as I feed the cancer of my intellect with thoughts of insecurity, and the questioning if love is worth desiring. Does love endure? The older I have gotten and the more I have dated, I have come across more people that are divorced. I don’t blame them. This isn’t about that. Every person, every situation is unique and sometimes a separation of a marriage might be the best possible thing. But it makes me wonder if ever-after exists? If I will find someone that will love me, and fight for me when things are bleak or dire. I want to believe that sort of persistence still exists.

Feeding the cancer of my intellect the blood of love soon neglected
Lay dying in the strength of its impurity
Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together
They’ve all gone and left each other in search of fairer weather
And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast
To the slim chance of love’s recovery.

…Rain soaked and voice choked like silent screaming in a dream
I search for our absolute distinction
Not content to bow and bent
To the whims of culture that swoop like vultures
Eating us away, eating us away
Eating us away to our extinction

Love's Recovery by Indigo Girls on Grooveshark

Somewhere Under WonderlandPossibility Days
Somewhere Under Wonderland
Counting Crows

If you know me, you know that the crows get me. I am haunted by feelings of slipping away and the crows explore that in this track. Every day is a possibility of change, growth, attitude. But ultimately will it be a good day or a bad day? Can I live intentionally?

Annie Dillard, one of my all-time favorite authors says “How we spend our days, is how we spend our lives.” As we carry the burdens of all of our days, can I focus instead on just one of those days at a time? Can I focus on the moment, the 24 hours that are given to me, the interactions that are fated, the emotions to feel – sad and happy – and can I mentally seize them. Good days will slip by. Bad days will slip by. And it is ok. What painting did your day create in your timehop of life?

And the worst part of a good day
Is knowing it’s slipping away
That’s one more possibility day
That is gone

Possibility Days by Counting Crows on Grooveshark

Commissioning A Symphony In C

January 1st, 2015

I place stock in songs I hear randomly. There was that time where I heard the Screaming Trees sing Nearly lost you that came on during the car ride to a break up. Then there was the time that a song triggred an emotion, which triggered yet another song. We all have songs that take us back to a person, or a moment. There is Crazy 4 u by Madonna. There is the Dog Days of Summer by Florence and the Machine. I remember vividly 5th grade and doing homework in the laundry room and talent show tryouts anytime I hear Paul Revere by The Beastie Boys. I think of my junior/senior year in high school when I was trying to determine what college to go to, and therefore the rest of my life, while Disarm by The Smashing Pumpkins played. The Sarah’s, Adam’s and Michael’s of the music world are the Sextons, Yeats, and Shakespeares of our time and I apply their words, knowledge, and emotions to my life.

The first song I hear in a new year when I press shuffle, is a sign of how life will transpire in the next 365 days. There is a lot of pressure to this fate. But is it fate or ordained?

Today is January 1, 2015 and I went for a run, as people are want to do today. Or at least the day after. The passing of a year brings with it reflections, regrets, hopes, depressions, and a flurry of nameless emotions. New Year’s eve always brings me a strange level of reflection (and typically some Counting Crows). You may be many miles away (or sometimes even in my own city) but I miss you. What would you change in 2015 from your 2014?

there’s things i remember and things i forget
i miss you
i guess that i should
three thousand five hundred miles away
but what would you change if you could

Today is January 1, 2015 and I went on a run today. When I run there is clarity of mind, levity of thought, and words that are dying to exit my mind’s trap. I don’t write much on this blog anymore, as the guards have made the trap more difficult to escape. I wish there was a clearer path, route, existence. Anyway circling back yet again, I put too much faith and fate in the lyrics I hear, and their timing. Today when I pressed shuffle and began shuffling my feet down the sidewalk in this cozy RB town, the song Commissioning a symphony in C by Cake came on. And now I am left to decipher its meaning for my life.

So you’ll be an Austrian Nobleman
Commissioning a symphony in C
Which defies all earthly descriptions
You’ll be Commissioning a symphony in C

With money you squeeze from the peasants
To your nephew you can give it as a present
This magnificent symphony in C
You’ll be commissioning a symphony in C

Completely filling the palace concert hall
It’s warm and golden like an oven that’s wide open
It has a melody both happy and sad
Built on Victoria’s young triads

You’ve entered the room with great caution
Though no one in the hall is even watching
They are transfixed
They are forgetting just to breath
They are so taken by your symphony…
In C

You’re sitting there thinking your thoughts
They are not about what is but what is not
You are sitting there breathing in your breath
You are seldom breathing life but mostly death

So you’ll be an Austrian Nobleman
Commissioning a symphony in C
Which defies all earthly descriptions
You’ll be commissioning…
A symphony…
In C

I am not going to be an Autrian Nobleman – but maybe I will be doing something important, or something that leaves meaning behind, like a symphony.

Maybe i’ll be a great uncle to my nephew, but maybe I will be using my nephew to hide from my misdoings.

2015 will be a year of both happy and sad melodies. There will probably be tears, laughter, hearts broken, and hearts healed.

I enter into 2015 with great caution indeed. Every year could potentially be my last. There is always potential of the final time.

But it is the last stanza (is that still a thing) that I think i’ll take the meaning from

You’re sitting there thinking your thoughts
They are not about what is but what is not
You are sitting there breathing in your breath
You are seldom breathing life but mostly death

Whether it be new years eve, fresh starts, new jobs, old friends I am often focused on what came before, or what is not. It is my brain’s natural tendency. I have gotten well accustomed to it. As big as a downfall as that might be on my emotional state, it is also a part that stimulates other good parts of my brain. I am well aware of who I am, and this is part of it. Don’t read this and then preach at me. I digress. Sometimes I let this get too much of me, and I then am breathing death.

So for 2015, my resolution is to be more intentional in stimulating thoughts about what is, versus what is not.

The next song that came on was Here I Am by Skid Row

It’s main line is

Here I am
Close your eyes and I’ll be Superman

So it looks like 2015 I become a super hero. So I got that going for me. Which is nice.

Welcome To The Inner Workings Of My Mind

December 14th, 2013

I added new songs to my home page under “Songs On Repeat.” I’ve been really digging these songs lately, and continuously hitting back on my ipod or car or itunes (too bad you can’t hit repeat on Pandora). I hope you enjoy them too.

I can no longer post the mp3 on my site for download, as I have been hacked too many times by china. Long story.

MsMrHurricane
Secondhand Rapture
MsMr

It was a few weeks ago, and I was driving home on my long commute after a long day at work when I first heard this song. As with most songs I latch onto, the lyrics resonated within me. I was hooked. For the next few weeks I listened to this album nonstop. Then to my surprise, I saw they were playing a show in San Diego at a little club that holds maybe 200 people. So pumped, I tried to buy tickets. But the only tickets that would be available, would be a few extras that a radio station was to give away at the door at 8pm. So I planned to show up at the door at 6, and wait in the freezing San Diego snow (it was really cold that night) and get to see my new music crush. But I had forgotten that I had promised my brother that I would babysit. Which rolled over the clock till about 7:30. I then rushed down to the show, to only see the line wrap around a few blocks, and then a few blocks more before I could even find parking. Still, I forged on and got in line. I waited in line, cold, for an hour. Around 9pm however, the line started dissipating. They were filled up. I was so bummed. Still, I have been really digging their music. I hope they don’t get over played by radio, and killed by the trend, like it feels is happening currently to Lorde.

Welcome to the inner workings of my mind
So dark and foul I can’t disguise
Can’t disguise
Nights like this
I become afraid
Of the darkness in my heart
Hurricane

Hurricane by Ms Mr on Grooveshark

MsMrBlind
The Violet Burning
The Violet Burning

This band has been a long time favorite of mine. One of the first “christian rock bands” that I actually thought was cool, and made good music. This album in particular was the Achtung Baby of their collection: the album that stood out as a departure from expected. As a christian that dislikes stereotypes and churchspeak found it refreshing that they even swore in a song on this album, even if it was a bit censored out. Anyhow, I’ve been picking up my guitar a bit lately. It must be that 1 month stage of the year where I play and hurt my fingers and my esteem before packing the 6-stringer away for the year. And one of the songs that I can “play” and that I play often during this time period, is this song, Blind.

I can see your light pour through me
Looking for the love in it all
I see the light when we both collide

Blind by The Violet Burning on Grooveshark

tristan-prettyman-cedar-and-goldI Was Gonna Marry You
Cedar + Gold
Tristan Prettyman

Keeping this post upbeat like the other two songs, here is another song that I have been playing a lot lately. Not necessarily for the lyrics, although they do pack the punch of emotions. I have always had some Tristan Prettyman on my ipod or computer, however wasn’t really a big listener. Often I would skip her songs. Then last year, I was looking for some entertaining things to do in San Diego one weekend, and I saw she was playing at the Belly Up. So I bought tickets. After really enjoying the show, I had a newfound respect for her. I recently tweeted with her and learned she was set to play another show in San Diego. I immediately bought tickets.

Her last album certainly has a lot of emotions in the lyrics, and some that I may have experienced in this tough, strange, roller-coaster year that I have had. I am looking forward to seeing her play the Belly Up this next week. Till then, I will be playing her music including this song, nonstop.

I gotta go on
Time to spread my wings and fly
Higher than the bluest sky
Never did me any good waiting around
Only so much that my heart can take

I Was Gonna Marry You by Tristan Prettyman on Grooveshark

Release Me

December 1st, 2013

I need to write more. I need to release the voices in my head. But via what avenue? That is the main reason I have this blog, is for my own personal journal and documentation of trips and events. But we live in an internet world where nothing is private, and everything is accessible. And in that world, perception is reality. I am generally a wear my heart on my sleeve type of guy, sharing every little thought of emotion that comes to my mind. But my mind can be a dark place. Do the words I write, the lyrics I quote, and the pain I let escape define me? In this internet world they might. Do I want a future employer, a future spouse, a future child to see inside that mess?

I need to find an escape soon though, a place to vent these voices. I have been in a dark place lately, a place that does not define me, but does encapsulate me.

Beauty Catch Me On Your Tongue

October 26th, 2013

This is beautiful and hard to put descriptive words to. I used to write as a way to let the crazy voices escape my head. I need to start writing again, as the voices have only gotten louder as they have been trapped. But a video like this, reminds me that I will never be a “good” poet. Not sure if this video encourages me to write more, or discourages me as I will never be this good. This is good. Watch this.

Birthday

At 12 years old I started bleeding with the moon
and beating up boys who dreamed of becoming astronauts.
I fought with my knuckles white as stars,
and left bruises the shape of Salem.
There are things we know by heart,
and things we don’t.

At 13 my friend Jen tried to teach me how to blow rings of smoke.
I’d watch the nicotine rising from her lips like halos,
but I could never make dying beautiful.
The sky didn’t fill with colors the night I convinced myself
veins are kite strings you can only cut free.
I suppose I love this life,

in spite of my clenched fist.

I open my palm and my lifelines look like branches from an Aspen tree,
and there are songbirds perched on the tips of my fingers,
and I wonder if Beethoven held his breath
the first time his fingers touched the keys
the same way a soldier holds his breath
the first time his finger clicks the trigger.
We all have different reasons for forgetting to breathe.

But my lungs remember
the day my mother took my hand and placed it on her belly
and told me the symphony beneath was my baby sister’s heartbeat.
And I knew life would tremble
like the first tear on a prison guard’s hardened cheek,
like a prayer on a dying man’s lips,
like a vet holding a full bottle of whisky like an empty gun in a war zone…
just take me just take me

Sometimes the scales themselves weigh far too much,
the heaviness of forever balancing blue sky with red blood.
We were all born on days when too many people died in terrible ways,
but you still have to call it a birthday.
You still have to fall for the prettiest girl on the playground at recess
and hope she knows you can hit a baseball
further than any boy in the whole third grade

and I’ve been running for home
through the windpipe of a man who sings
while his hands playing washboard with a spoon
on a street corner in New Orleans
where every boarded up window is still painted with the words
We’re Coming Back
like a promise to the ocean
that we will always keep moving towards the music,
the way Basquait slept in a cardboard box to be closer to the rain.

Beauty, catch me on your tongue.
Thunder, clap us open.
The pupils in our eyes were not born to hide beneath their desks.
Tonight lay us down to rest in the Arizona dessert,
then wake us washing the feet of pregnant women
who climbed across the border with their bellies aimed towards the sun.
I know a thousand things louder than a soldier’s gun.
I know the heartbeat of his mother.

Don’t cover your ears, Love.
Don’t cover your ears, Life.
There is a boy writing poems in Central Park
and as he writes he moves
and his bones become the bars of Mandela’s jail cell stretching apart,
and there are men playing chess in the December cold
who can’t tell if the breath rising from the board
is their opponents or their own,
and there’s a woman on the stairwell of the subway
swearing she can hear Niagara Falls from her rooftop in Brooklyn,
and I’m remembering how Niagara Falls is a city overrun
with strip malls and traffic and vendors
and one incredibly brave river that makes it all worth it.

Ya’ll, I know this world is far from perfect.
I am not the type to mistake a streetlight for the moon.
I know our wounds are deep as the Atlantic.
But every ocean has a shoreline
and every shoreline has a tide
that is constantly returning
to wake the songbirds in our hands,
to wake the music in our bones,
to place one fearless kiss on the mouth of that brave river
that has to run through the center of our hearts
to find its way home.

Talk It Up, Like Yeah

September 7th, 2013

I added new songs to my home page under “Songs On Repeat.” I’ve been really digging these songs lately, and continuously hitting back on my ipod or car or itunes (too bad you can’t hit repeat on Pandora). I hope you enjoy them too.

I can no longer post the mp3 on my site for download, as I have been hacked too many times by china. Long story.

Lorde Tennis CourtTennis Courts
Pure Heroine
Lorde

I first heard of the 16 year old New Zealand singer indirectly through my friends Amber and Tiffany. I heard the track Royals and I could not get enough of it. But then, you ask, why isn’t that the track that you post here? Well, it nearly was. But the track Tennis Court off the upcoming new album (to be released Sept. 30), does something for my ears. Not exactly sure what it is.

Because I’m doing this for the thrill of it killin’ it
Never not chasing a million things I want
And I am only as young as the minute is full of it
Getting pumped up from the little bright things I bought
But I know they’ll never own me

Tennis Court by Lorde on Grooveshark

PearlJam-RiotActI Am Mine
Riot Act
Pearl Jam

I revisited this song when I saw someone quote the lyric below, one day on twitter. In life we are accosted from all directions (north, south, east, and west) that it is sometimes difficult to breathe. In those crazy times, we must realize that we control our minds, our thoughts, and our actions. We must take our thoughts captive, as we own our mind.

The north is to south what the clock is to time.
There’s east and there’s west and there everywhere lying.
I know I was born and I know that I’ll die.
The in between is mine.
I. am. mine.

I Am Mine by Pearl Jam on Grooveshark

underwatersunshineLike Teenage Gravity
Underwater Sunshine (or what we did on our summer vacation)
Counting Crows

Although I haven’t done a ton of these posts, I am still surprised that the Crows have only made my list once. Easily one of my favorite bands of all time, I am often transported emotionally when I listen to their music. So many lyrics have poked my heart, that I am often a well of emotion when singing along in my car. This cover song is no exception. I have loved this song when I have been in love, and I have loved this song when I have been out of love (even though it is a love song). I also love all of the gambling references in the song :).

you don’t need laws to tell
that if it feels like fallin’, boy, you probably already fell
the whole table saw your hand, so you might as well just play it
and you ain’t fooling anyone, so you might as well just say it
so, i guess i’m in love
i guess i’m in love
some people get scared of those words ’round here, but that’s alright

Like Teenage Gravity by Counting Crows on Grooveshark

Opportunities Look A Lot Like Work

August 13th, 2013

a good award speech by Ashton Kutcher and worth a watch.

Dexter In 60 Seconds

June 18th, 2013

Whom You Love

May 24th, 2013

Came across this quote typed up, when I was cleaning things out:

“It’s not difficult to understand and admire Miss Maynell’s wisdom. The ture natue of a heart is seen in its response to the unattractive. “tell me whom you love,” Houssaye wrote, “And I will tell you who you are.”

Dimes

May 24th, 2013

A great game to play at a baseball game, better with more people, but I have played with as little as 3.

It is your batter…

Out = -.10
1B = +.10
2B = +.20
3b = +.30
HR = +.25
Beach Ball on Field = -$1
HBP = +.10
Walk = +.10
Sacrafice = Even
Reach By Error (unless it is a single and an error etc) = Even
RBI = +.10
SB = +.10
CS = -.10
K Swinging = -.10
K Looking = -.25

Paid out to each player, or from each player